In Defense Of My Defenses

"PatBateman" (PatBateman)
04/28/2014 at 21:28 • Filed to: Texas

Yesterday, when news about Toyota's Sales department moving from CA to TX broke, I engaged in some lively discussions defending my state (Texas) against an onslaught of naysaying stereotypers who chose to besmirch my homeland. Here's why.

I never SERIOUSLY down on any other states because there are some pretty awesome places everywhere. I even have to admit that Arkansas has some beautiful scenery if you drive out someplace that I've never been BECAUSE I HATE ARKANS (No, Pat, don't do that, regain your composure) because I haven't had a chance to visit yet. But let's get some facts straight, just to clear the air real quick.

Plano is a suburb of Dallas. That's where Toyota wants to set up shop. Like most suburbs, it houses professionals with families. Unlike most other places, it has one of the best school districts in the nation. (Fun fact: according to USNews, the top high school in the US is located in Dallas). The suburb has also been voted one of the top places in the Western US to live multiple times by multiple publications. It is a mere 20 miles from downtown Dallas, so there's plenty of cultural activities to partake in. Museums, parks, art... You'll have culture oozing out of body parts you have long forgotten about. And the DFW area can give you something that Los Angeles can't: NFL FOOTBALL. Pro tip: never bad mouth the Cowboys in North Texas.

Who people living in Plano generally are not: rednecks, poorly educated/uneducated, toothless, ignorant, uncouth, uncultured, gun-toting crazies with AR-15s on their backs, dumb, don't live in double wides, and (my favorite) Yankees. The last one is a joke, of course (?).

I say this not to boast about Texas, but to defend it from all of the "yuck, it's Texas" comments. Sorry we don't have beaches like you have in SoCal, but them are the breaks. This place isn't for everyone, but it can be for most.

Also, to everyone moving down to this state, please don't travel to East Texas. It's a "work in progress".

DISCUSSION (32)

Bad Idea Hat > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:33

My big problem is that Rick Perry is doing the rounds, poaching companies from other states. It's not even so much that I have a problem with that part, but the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would be one of the biggest complainers.

jariten1781 > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:36

Plus Texas is the home of Whataburger which is, without a doubt the best fast food restaurant in the history of the universe.

This is an undeniable fact. Whataburger deniers are heretics.

PatBateman > Bad Idea Hat
04/28/2014 at 21:37

I hear this complaint often, yet I also see all the ads from California and New York trying to woo Texas companies to those states.

It's his job to try and bolster our economy. He has a good product, too. And as I mentioned previous, Texas isn't the only one doing it.

yamahog > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:37

I'm a New Yorker by birth and never been to Texas, but I did live in LA for a year. After three months, I was updating my resume to move back to MICHIGAN.

You heard correctly, not even New York, Michigan. Detroit, with all its bad press and shittalking from people who've never even been there, is far more palatable to me than LA. I can only assume Texas is as lovely as you describe it, but ANYTHING is better than LA.

Yea, suck it LA, you think you're soooo cool. I know better.

PatBateman > jariten1781
04/28/2014 at 21:38

Whataburger is glorious. I have two within a ten minute commute from my house.

Bad Idea Hat > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:39

I agree that it's his job to get more jobs in the state. I just think that he's an idiot and an asshole, which combines the very best of both sides of the spectrum.

CAcoalminer > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:39

Great article. I live in the hill country outside of Austin so I can understand your love of this state.

Also, you forgot to warn people to never go to Lubbock. Today, they had one of their famous dust storms.

PatBateman > yamahog
04/28/2014 at 21:39

If you don't mind me asking, what was the major problems you had with the area?

PatBateman > Bad Idea Hat
04/28/2014 at 21:41

An interesting tid bit about the Governor's office in Texas: it's a virtually powerless position. Seriously. He's a figure head, nothing more.

PatBateman > CAcoalminer
04/28/2014 at 21:43

NW Texas is so flat, you can stand on a tuna can and see an extra 100 miles. Although, I'm dying to take a long weekend drive (sans kids) out to Marfa/Alpine.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:44

Whatever state you live in, I can guarantee it's better than northern Florida. Trust me, I drove through it once. I know what I'm talking about.

Side note, I love Austin, which is the only part of Texas I've been to. I'm from the New York area (read: Connecticut) and I have some family down there, so I definitely understand that there are parts of Texas not full of "rednecks, poorly educated/uneducated, toothless, ignorant, uncouth, uncultured, and gun-toting crazies with AR-15s on their backs" that live in double wides. That being said, it's a big state. Ahaha.

PatBateman > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
04/28/2014 at 21:49

That "don't go to East Texas" part of the post covers that. Parts are very scenic, but don't stop. Ever.

I have a fishing cabin in DEEP East Texas, and I fully engage my Texas Twang to fit in there.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:53

It's still gotta be better than northern Florida.

But I've actually always wondered about the accent thing. My aunt and uncle (family in Austin) don't have any twang when they visit us in CT, but when I visited them in Austin they did. I asked them about it, but apparently neither of them noticed. Is being able to engage/disengage your Texas Twang a regular thing?

PatBateman > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
04/28/2014 at 21:55

I'm a financial advisor, and I have a few clients in East Texas. I turn it on thick for them. Otherwise, I normally have a slight accent.

It's like a stereo that can only go down to a "2" volume level. I can turn it down or up, but can never turn it completely off.

CAcoalminer > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 21:57

Haha so true.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 22:06

Huh. Cool. They can turn there's completely off apparently, but they didn't grow up in the south so that's probably why.

yamahog > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 22:12

The cost of living was egregious, and I say that as a New Yorker who went to high school in the Hamptons. I'm saving $1000/mo on rent alone, and I was living in a studio in a real shit neighborhood there. Not at all worth it, and I was a single engineer. Imagine trying to raise a family there, and either sending the kids to private school or having to spend a king's ransom to get into a good enough neighborhood to send your kids to public school, since most of them are really bad.

"Oh but the weather!!" ....I'm an engineer, I'm at a computer 10 hours a day. If anything, sunny and 75 every day just makes that even more depressing.

"Oh but the beach!" I hate beaches. Especially the disgusting ones in LA. Amazing how an area so allegedly eco-obsessed is OK with oil derricks and refineries up and down their beaches.

"Oh you're from NY, won't you be used to the traffic?" L.O.L. Not at all. You would get stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic taking a cab home from the bar at 2am. And because there's no public transport, lot of drunk drivers too. Just absolutely miserable, and you'd have to wake up ass early to enjoy any canyon riding at all. I could lane split, sure, but I think I've taken years of my life as a result.

"OMG FAMOUS PEOPLE!" Stop. No. I lived in the Hamptons. Over it.

Also, it was so hard to meet real people, for lack of a better term. I graduated college and moved out there for an engineering job among a sea of starry-eyed Hollywood hopefuls trying to break into the industry and bankrupting themselves in the process. I wasn't even in the dating pool but I probably would've just put myself out of my misery before finding a decent partner out there. The superficiality was so pervasive and off the charts it was disgusting.

TL;DR: Take all the crap people complain about in NY (traffic, crowding, cost of living, etc), multiply it by 100. But add nice weather, and suddenly everyone overlooks everything else, and I'm the crazy one for wanting to leave.

I could go on and on, but I think that covers my main grievances. I gladly took a small pay cut to move back to Michigan. My take-home unsurprisingly increased, as did my overall quality of life. Amusing sidenote: I considered myself a moderate growing up in NY, was a registered Republican in CA, and might as well be a card-carrying communist in Michigan.

midengineer > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 22:15

You guys have no income tax, good food, and essentially lack cold weather. What's not to love?

PatBateman > yamahog
04/28/2014 at 22:44

Not TL, did read. I've heard people say similar things about the area. I went to San Diego in September. WOW, that was a nice place!

PatBateman > midengineer
04/28/2014 at 22:50

Well, apparently it's not California. That's about all I could realistically ascertain.

Howdy Harrell > PatBateman
04/28/2014 at 22:53

TEXASSSSSSSSSSS

yamahog > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
04/28/2014 at 23:20

I can toggle on/off all of the following to fit my needs: rural New York, downstate New York, Hungarian, butch lesbian, and sorority girl. I'm magic.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > yamahog
04/28/2014 at 23:43

Kinja'd!!!

I'm impressed.
And very .gif happy tonight. I need to stop.

Stef Schrader > PatBateman
04/29/2014 at 00:03

Hahahahahaha, East Texas is good for outdoors shenanigans. Trees, shade and lakes, yo. A few decent roads in the hilly parts. Lots of golf if that's your thing.

There's one maroon-colored blob I'd cite as an exception, but I can't go into full-on "donate them to North Korea" mode unless they actually get rid of the track there.

Stef Schrader > PatBateman
04/29/2014 at 00:06

...which is why HIS HAIRSPRAY BUDGET IS TOO DANG MUCH!

I could feed 72 Puffalumps for a year* on what we pay that man in hair products alone. For what? Figureheading?!

*they don't actually eat, but let's ignore that

PatBateman > Stef Schrader
04/29/2014 at 00:14

I was born in SE Texas. My entire family was raised in Orange and Bridge City. My summers were spent in Hemphill on Toledo Bend, and many of my childhood weekends were spent at Crown Colonies country club in Lufkin. I can say that there are many places in East Texas that are great to visit and to live.

You just have to look REEEAAALLLYYY hard to find them. :)

Stef Schrader > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
04/29/2014 at 00:16

Kinja'd!!!

YEEHAW

Stef Schrader > PatBateman
04/29/2014 at 00:18

Ha, Lufkin. I know 'xactly the country club/'hood you're talking about. Lived in that town for pre-K and kindergarten and had a friend in that neighborhood, I think. Don't remember much else aside from it was the least favorite place my parents said they'd lived.

PatBateman > Stef Schrader
04/29/2014 at 00:19

Right this second, on one of the HBO channels, there is a documentary about Ann Richards.

If we want to talk hairspray budgets...

PatBateman > Stef Schrader
04/29/2014 at 00:23

My favorite memory of that place was of the Rolls Royce golf carts the residents drove around.

Seriously.

Kinja'd!!!

Stef Schrader > PatBateman
04/29/2014 at 00:25

This seems like it would be a Lufkin thing. Hahahahahaa.

Then again, we lived next to a golf course neighborhood near Seattle and there were all manner of pimped-out golf carts being used as point-a-to-point-b transportation. None that gaudy, though.

...

I need to review Dad's golf cart.

Stef Schrader > PatBateman
04/29/2014 at 00:25

Hahahahahahahaa. A tradition was started.